The Angry Czeck

Thanksgiving borders on awesome because it requires very little effort to celebrate. All you have to do is eat, and unless you’re Kate Moss, you should have little trouble filling that obligation.

Thanksgiving also offers people the opportunity to be annoyingly self-righteous. I doubt that the Huron have much to be thankful for, you might announce as your family slides into a turkey coma. Come on! Without the Pilgrims, Native American’s would never know the pleasure of pants, booze, and tax exemptions. If the Huron have anything to be thankful for, it’s Whitey.

My lineage more likely came from a prison boat than from the Mayflower, but I still have tons to be thankful for. Tons. And rather than keep them private, I’m doing something that you can be thankful for: I’m listing them right here on these mighty pages!

Things The Angry Czeck is Furiously Thankful For on Thanksgiving

1. Gratuitous Nudity in 1980s Movies. Today, a nude scene has to have some deep, symbolic purpose that is closely related to the plot of the movie. But in the 1980s, nudity was something that happened for no reason at all. When the plot got slow, the boobs popped out. We didn’t think about it. We just let it happen.

2. Microwavable Sausage Biscuits. O, heat-able, lovable Sausage Biscuit / A treasure worthy of King Tut! / ‘Tis a miracle that you stay so hot / on my plate as out my butt!

3. George W. Bush. This quality of this blog has taken a huge hit since Obama arrived to office. Let’s face it: George made blogging easier. Like tragic Icarus, I flew too close to the sun upon wings of ineptitude, and now I’ve come hurtling back to Earth, his wax of clueless-ness melted into the atmosphere. (See? I told you the quality has taken a hit.)

4. Finding A Dildo on a Public Golf Course in Memphis. Every time I’m in need of an inappropriate anecdote that  will surely silence a dinner party, Finding a Dildo on a Public Golf Course in Memphis always fits the bill. The awkward stammering that follows is the best. “Uh…well…uh…SO, what did you do with it? Heh heh?” Answer? Stuck it in the dishwasher and sold it on eBay of course! What would you do?

5. Olive Garden Commercials. I really hate these sonsuvbitches. Somewhere, some bone-head advertising executive is saying, “We’ve really created a unique tone with these Olive Garden commercials.” You sure have. A tone that doubles as a hypnotic mnemonic implant that will eventually lead to me assassinating the Vice President of the United States. But other than that, your insipid marketing scheme is brilliant. So thanks.

6. People that prefer to call Christmas “Holiday.” Everybody needs somebody to feel superior to, and my somebody is the heartless bozo that insists on referring to Christmas as “Holiday.” I’m not a religious nut. I just know that making something generic never makes anything better. God, you sound like characters from 1984. “Starting now, December 25th will be known as Double Plus Good Day!” We don’t call “Thanksgiving” Holiday.

7. Diet Rite Cola. Shit is the bomb. Comes in orange, too.

8. Sarah Palin. (1) She’s hot, and (2) She may single-handedly give Obama another four years in office. For Democrats, she’s like a guided missile fired from a nice set of gams. Just point and watch the GOP’s destruction unfold! I love this woman! Tell me more about Levi! Explain your qualms about evolution! Show me how to skin a moose! (3) She’s hot.

9. Facebook™ Scrabble™. Thanks! Not only am I spending hours of billable time trying desperately to get rid of two lousy”Vs,” I’ve also learned that Qi, Xi, and Mu are real words. I keep trying to drop them into headlines at work: “Campbell’s Soup is good for you qi!”

10. Mrs. Angry Not Murdering Me In My Sleep. I have yet to wake up in the middle of a night to find a crazed Mrs. Angry hovering above my body, pointing a rusty Civil War-era bayonet at my forehead. It’s been more than ten years, and this hasn’t happened. I’d be doubly thankful for ten more. I’d deserve it, too. You know how many times I’ve have taken the last can of Diet Rite Cola?

 

That’s the stuff I’m thankful for. Some of these items are a stretch, but since nobody every thanks me for these fantastic free content, you’re just going to have to suffer this mediocre post.

 

Related posts:

1. Angry Czeck’s First (And Last) Earth Day Post
2. The Angry Czeck’s Last Ever Valentine’s Day Post
3. The Angry Czeck’s 1st Ever MLK Day Post
4. The Angry Czeck’s Last Ever Easter Post
5. The Angry Czeck’s First Ever Birthday Post