The Angry Czeck

About twice a year, usually at a party, somebody tells Mrs. Angry, “You must laugh all the time.”

Mrs. Angry is always polite for my sake. “Yes, yes! All the time!”

There’s very little I take seriously, and some people think I’m funny. But I’m like an x-ray – potent in small doses. Overexposure, however, will likely lead to nausea and hair loss. Mrs. Angry doesn’t say that at parties because, quite frankly, we want to be invited to more parties.

But it’s not always fun to live with a human version of Bob Saget. The material you think is minty fresh, I’ve been laying on Mrs. Angry since 1998. For example, you know what I say to her every time she announces that she’s going to take a shower?

“Will you make it a sensual shower?”

I don’t even know what that means anymore, but I’ve been saying it for ten years. To Mrs. Angry’s credit, she hasn’t yet responded by pouring an entire bottle of Prell Plus into my eye.

If I had my druthers, I’d like to avoid reaching that point: “The Prell Plus In The Eye” Point. So I’m taking some drastic measures. It won’t be easy, but life isn’t easy, and I prefer life over Mrs. Angry running me over with her SUV.

I’m selling my old jokes.

But they’re not going to waste! No. I’m selling them to you! My loyal Ragers! After all, I don’t want my best material going to some dorky stranger. I want you to be the dork.

Furthermore, I can personally vouch for each joke’s authenticity (though not necessarily their originality). While there is no guarantee that the joke you purchase will illicit laughs, I can reasonably assure you a steady diet of eye rolls and awkward silences.

Brutally Used Angry Czeck Jokes for Immediate Sale

The Hot Plate ($124.00): I’ve been working The Hot Plate for years, and it’s so simple to execute. When a waiter arrives with your food and tells you, “Careful, this plate is hot,” you respond by grabbing the plate…and screaming! Everybody loves it, especially the waiter, who will generally attempt to conceal his/her amusement with a sour glare.

Wacky Pseudonym Bundle ($31.75): Sometimes, a wacky name is all you need to earn a chuckle. I’ve worn out several, and now you can have them all for one low price! Fantastically phony nom de plumes include classics like Roland Thundershanks, Lord Biff Boozington, Champ Gordon, Father O’Staggers, and everyone’s favorite Arkansas State Senator Sydney Soresack.

The Shake of Agony™ ($410.05): Reasonably priced when one considers the quality of the jokesmanship, the Shake of Agony is as amusing to stodgy CEOs as it is to 3-year-olds. When one greets you with a handshake, you pretend that they’ve just clinched your hand in an agonizing, vice-like grip! Watch as your dupe stares in bewilderment as you howl in “pain.” Drop to your knees for added effect. Do this for your next client meeting!

Things That Are Up ($4 apiece): Between 2 and 18 times a day, somebody is going to ask you “What’s up?” You could respond with a lame “Oh, hey, not much,” or….or, you could use any one of these smart alternatives: “My I.Q.”, “my net worth”, “my weight” (advanced), “my dick” (risky!), “an animated film voiced by beloved character actor Ed Asner”, and “my thirst for Diet Big K.”

The Stomach^® ($1008.00): Yes, the price is high, but so is the sophistication of this joke. Essentially, your $1008 will buy you the Dogs Playing Poker of gags. All that’s required is that you work at a building where the offices have glass doors. First, you wait for your victim to be on a conference call. Then, you knock on his/her (preferably her) glass door. Finally, you lift up your shirt and press your stomach against the class! Guffaw! You can’t top this bit for class, and it will definitely be something that comes up during a performance review!

The Deceptively Modest Big Penis Joke™ ($319.15): You’re getting tremendous value when you purchase TDMBPJ! But it takes a certain level of skill and moxie to execute it properly. Let’s say, just for example, that a friend buys a 42-inch TV. You nod and say, almost to yourself, “Oh, so about twice the length of my penis.” See? See? You sound modest, because you’ve committed the ultimate man faux pas by mathematically dividing your penis size rather than multiplying it. But you’re a sneaky dog because you’ve just claimed a comically massive 21-inch member! Tell me that’s not comedic genius. You will be bragging to your grand children how you lived in the Age of the Angry Czeck. Count on it.

Of course, I could have Sotheby’s auction these gags to some billionaire oil baron from Saudi Arabia, but I want these jokes in good hands. Just do me a favor and don’t re-sell them on eBay. I don’t want my material used to aid the careers of Dane Cook or Jay Leno.

All proceeds will go to me.

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