FULL TRANSPARENCY: I am Inyuk-Chuck; alias to the mighty Apache Chief.

At least, I am on Twitter. With Angry Czeck already on Twitter, a second handle might seem slightly unnecessary – if you didn’t already know that I maintain a third Twitter handle as well, the seldom read 1972GrandPrix.

Digital schizophrenia?

Maybe. Fact is, I enjoy spending six minutes of my day as Apache Chief, the token Super Friend that was supposed to lend a little bit of racial diversification to the Hall of Justice. Squeezing thoughts and ideas through his savage prism generates a unique prospective that simply can’t be communicated by the Angry Czeck.

I like walking around in Apache Chief’s moccasins. He hangs out with Batman. He punishes his enemies with his hatchet and fire ants. He grouses grumpily about Thanksgiving, delights in Superman’s stupidity, and revels in Aquaman’s ineffectiveness. When his not chemically castrating the Riddler, he’s ridiculing the painful process of Robin’s adolescence. He might have eaten Gleek.

Last year, I finally got serious about Apache Chief. He already lived on a Facebook fan page called Inyuk-Chuk (the medicine man’s incantation that gives Apache Chief his super-growing power), but I wasn’t doing much with him. I just liked Apache Chief. I thought he should have a fan page. After all, it wasn’t as if Apache Chief’s original creator, Hanna-Barbera, was using the character. Out of boredom, I began building a sharper background for Inyuk-Chuk. I started with this profile:

 

“From his hidden underground casino, Apache Chief reveals the secrets of The Super Friends.”

 

Okay, not bad. There was material to be mined here. Once the Super Friends were just vanilla, super-powered characters in homoerotic costumes too often voiced by Casey Kasem. Now the acid tongue of Apache Chief could extract some real dirt! Get to the meat of the world’s mightiest heroes! Slip a scorpion into Green Arrow’s tights! Why not?

Green Lantern became a pious born again Christian who kept dragging Apache Chief to church. Flash was cheap (and slow to pick up the check). Hawkman smelled funny and Robin was an aggravating brat. Superman was a blockhead and fellow token member, Black Vulcan, could be counted on for the good weed. Wonder Woman was a merciless ball breaker, and Batman had trouble solving a Rubik’s cube. It would practically write itself.

As for Apache Chief himself, he was soon revealed to deeply distrust white people. His solutions to crime often leaned to the savage: scalpings, fire ants, space scorpions, mutilations, Phantom Zone banishments, chemical castrations and forced lobotomies. His enemies were the Legion of Doom and Kevin Costner, although he seems to devote most of his terrible vengeance on the Riddler. He was prone to “too much peace pipe.” It wasn’t long before I discovered something else about Apache Chief.

He was funnier than me.

I began to enjoy writing Inyuk-Chuk more than Angry Czeck. After all, the Angry Czeck had rules. My mother reads Angry Czeck. There are work-related issues that prevent Angry Czeck from crossing certain boundaries. It didn’t help that the Angry Czeck is governed by a loose set of standards and morals. Sometimes, AC is no fun.

Aside from his strange gods and his thirst for justice, Apache Chief has no restraints. He can comment on sensitive political topics one day, and complain about Robin’s masturbation the next. He is a mixture of the absurd and the salient. I love his bad English and his constant emasculation by Wonder Woman. I love that he once teabagged the entire country of France.

I’ve lived a year in the teepee of the Apache Chief. I’ve gained strength on the lifeforce of his tribal spirits and feasted upon the hearts and eyeballs of his hated enemies. To celebrate, I’ve assembled his best observations and placed them here on the not-as-mighty pages of the Angry Czeck.

 

83 Mighty Observations from the Mighty Apache Chief

  1. Superman: “Apache Chief, I’ll destroy the Legion of Doom, and YOU get the cat out of the tree!” Me: “Fuck you, Superman.”
  2. Super Friends/Legion of Doom Halloween Mixer always ends with drunk and mean Gorillia Grod calling Gleek “Disgrace to Monkeys.”
  3. The rumor that I grew to 100,000 feet and peed on France? True.
  4. Everyone did it. And by “it” I mean “stuffed their tights” and by “Everyone” I mean “Superman.”
  5. Not every politically correct hero became a Super Friend. Captain Wheelchair never made it through the front door. Or even up the steps.
  6. For Halloween, I’m going as a Christian who destroyed my tribe’s culture and made me wear shoes and slacks.
  7. Superman did not like to be called “Superdick,” and I have the heat-vision burns to prove it.
  8. You know who should be the new lead singer for Aerosmith? Green Arrow. I’d pay to see Greenaerosmith.
  9. “Form of sneeze!” and “Shape of sick gorilla!” may have been the Wonder Twins most feared combination.
  10. My family and I celebrate Thanksgiving by walking from Georgia to Oklahoma with all our belongings. That’s right.
  11. Got real boring real fast explaining the rules of UNO to Superman every single night. Draw Two means draw two!
  12. When Batman has too much egg nog, it’s either five minutes of dodging drunken judo moves or an hour of listening to how bad his childhood was.
  13. 1981 Christmas party went to hell when a drunken Green Lantern screamed, “Jesus is the REAL Superman!
  14. Merry Christmas! You don’t have to open the gift now. It’s the scalp of your hated enemy! Just let it dry in the sun for a few hours.
  15. I get a Christmas card from The Riddler every year. It reads like a creepy death threat, but I sense a yuletide spirit nonetheless.
  16. During Christmas, Green Lantern’s nativity scene clashed both sacredly and secularly with Gleek’s Saturnian Space Laser Execution diorama.
  17. Always fun to spike Superman’s New Year’s punch with red kryptonite. Wearing Gleek like a furry blue Russian hat very hilarious.
  18. Nobody made a single bottle of Bartles & James last longer on New Year’s Eve than Wonder “You’re Not Get’in Any” Woman.
  19. Pretty simple at the Hall of Justice: Whoever woke up the next day adjoined to Gleek had the worst New Year’s Eve.
  20. Atlantean calendar said that world would end in 1981. Aquaman spent the whole year waving his arms and looking silly.
  21. Funny generational thing. What we called “The Phantom Zone” you now call “Google Wave.”
  22. Hall of Justice had a big steroid problem in the 1980s. (Batman) Not naming names. (Batman) But some guys were really juicing. (Batman)
  23. The rumor that Super Friends were gay? Ridiculous. We were just slender guys who wore tight pants and liked to watch Robin do jumping jacks.
  24. Church should be more like Chronicles of Narnia: less standing and kneeling and more fighting centaurs and talking to beavers.
  25. Super Friends pot luck a disaster. Wonder Twins’ fried Martian Xanx Surprise was undercooked, overly powdery, and stole the Batmobile’s tires.
  26. Every time the weatherman predicted a little snow and ice, Batman ran to Kroger for milk and bread.
  27. Everybody scared to death of the Joker but me and Black Vulcan because, well, quite frankly, only white people are afraid of clowns.
  28. After watching Wonder Woman stretch, there was nothing a man could do but buy a six pack of wine coolers and look for Gleek.
  29. I’d send you a Valentine, but I couldn’t find one that said, “Let’s make our hated enemies scream in agony together.”
  30. BAD NEWS: Just broke my Lenten vow. GOOD NEWS: Another fresh scalp for my collection!
  31. Gleek didn’t have real super powers, but man that space monkey smelled fantastic. Walking potpourri.
  32. I don’t complain when I find human remains in my chicken nuggets. I thank the gods for both the elimination of a potential enemy and the bonus protein.
  33. Wonder Woman will make a statement about International Women’s Day just as soon as she’s done ironing my headband.
  34. No need to Beware the Ides of March. I defeated him in brutal hand-to-hand combat way back in ’81.
  35. Superman hated St. Patrick’s Day because everybody blended-in with kryptonite.
  36. Super Friends always celebrated the first day of Spring by capturing and re-lobotomizing The Riddler. Good times.
  37. Apaches always had free health care. We call it the Tomahawk To The Face Plan. No copay.
  38. We didn’t have a Hot Tub Time Machine. We had a Pulsating Shower Massager Time Machine. And Wonder Woman jealously hogged it .
  39. Fool. I didn’t bite the ears off your chocolate Easter Bunny. I scalped him! I devoured his yummy soul.
  40. Relax, Iceland. I’m here to defeat your volcano. First, I’m going to need a really big cork.
  41. It always sapped the luster from the day when Green Lantern arrived to the super battle in his Oldsmobile Firenza.
  42. Do you know how many times I’ve saved the Earth? Like, a hundred times. So yeah, that IS my Filet-O-Fish wrapper on the ground.
  43. Aside from littering Little Big Horn with cavalry men, Native Americans rarely pollute.
  44. Remember what happened to Tom Hanks in “Mazes and Monsters?” That’s what happened to Robin. That’s what’s STILL happening to Robin!
  45. “Watch closely, Batman and Superman: First underwear, THEN pants.”
  46. Today is Free Comic Book Day, which just so happens to fall on Never Touched a Boob Day.
  47. Trying to fix a nice, traditional Cinco de Mayo breakfast but I can’t fit these tequila bottles in the toaster.
  48. A shout-out to my Mom on Mother’s Day. Filling my papoose with angry bees is what made me the man I am today.
  49. Everybody laugh when Flash called Superman’s underwear “The Fortress of Solitude.” (I hope Flash make friend in Phantom Zone.)
  50. Hawkman and me communed with the Thangarian uni-mind last night. Now I have a hangover and a $20 bill on the dresser.
  51. The Spirits told me to sleep naked in your car last night, Officer! You should have The Spirits in handcuffs, not me!
  52. I made you flag for Flag Day. The sun represents eternity. The man screaming through a mouth full of fire ants represents what happens when you steal my stereo.
  53. Batman says “Porsch-ah” instead of “Porsche.” Bugs me.
  54. “Say ‘How’ again. Say ‘how’ again, I dare you, I double dare you paleface, say ‘How’ one more goddam time!”
  55. Smoking ribs for Fourth of July. The ribs of my hated enemies! Who are still alive! Yum!
  56. Every time I’m in New York, I find myself seated at a bar with a cop, a construction worker, and a biker. Every. Single. Time.
  57. Superman so irritating. He the only person I know to lose the dice for a game of Trouble™.
  58. Thanks to some pointers from Black Vulcan, my raindance more fly. Also, 90% chance of Courvoisier showers tonight.
  59. If you don’t want fresh scalps of my enemies in the offering plate, you should put up a sign, Church.
  60. Comic Con empties. Parents’ basements fill up. Dork circle of life.
  61. My headband is made of lead so Superman can’t see what I’m thinking.
  62. I peed in the ocean, and for some weird reason, Aquaman peed all over my teepee.
  63. Thought church would cure my case of the savages, but the Old Testament has me jonesing for some smiting!
  64. That not meteors! That space dandruff! Universe should not wear black.
  65. Baggier bat-suit won’t conceal those love-handles, Batman! Furiously throwing batarangs at me won’t either.
  66. I keep my arms crossed to conceal my freaky-long nipple hair.
  67. “Your cousin is soooo tasty!” say Superman to Aquaman on Sushi Saturday. Followed by five minutes of trident dodging.
  68. Wonder Woman always ask me “what I’m thinking?” I’m thinking about the number 2. And I’m thinking about borrowing your Vanity Fair for 10 minutes.
  69. If you insist on calling it a “pew,” Church, then you should not act so upset when I pass my Spirit Wind during service.
  70. Green Lantern and Batman: “Super Friends with benefits.”
  71. If you ask Batman, “Is that a batarang in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” the answer is always “batarang.”
  72. “Robin, how about you stay here and make sure Gleek don’t poop on the rug? If we need a high score on Yar’s Revenge, we’ll call you.”
  73. Superman act like he the only person whose parents died on an exploding planet.
  74. Yes. Me want to meet hot squaws in my area. NO! Lex Luthor has Rick Rolled me again! That 47 times today!
  75. Damn. Well, I guess you might as well know. Tony Curtis was Batman.
  76. Some prefer to take their coffee black. Others take it with cream. I like mine taken from the skull of the Riddler. And cinnamon.
  77. I think I was a little hard on Christopher Columbus yesterday. But, I have to admit, I’ve grown to enjoy sipping hot soup from his skull.
  78. Caught Batman feeling his own biceps again. Not even going to tell you what I caught Robin feeling.
  79. Me washing my car, nervously watching Hawkman hovering overhead.
  80. Not sure why you think my jack-o-lantern looks “life-like.” I killed that head over an hour ago.
  81. Me thought it was “trick or feet.” That stupid Apache-to-English dictionary! Anyway, me hope one day you walk again.
  82. Wonder Woman say yoga cure me stiffness. But I watch her do yoga, and me stiffness just get worse.
  83. We have Thanksgiving at Hall of Justice. Wonder Woman bring pie. Superman bring yams. Batman bring beans. I bring deed to my property.


For more hair-scalping observations from Apache Chief, you can fan him on Facebook and follow him (at a careful distance) on Twitter.



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