If you're not angry, then you're not caring hard enough.
At least, I am on Twitter. With Angry Czeck already on Twitter, a second handle might seem slightly unnecessary – if you didn’t already know that I maintain a third Twitter handle as well, the seldom read 1972GrandPrix.
Maybe. Fact is, I enjoy spending six minutes of my day as Apache Chief, the token Super Friend that was supposed to lend a little bit of racial diversification to the Hall of Justice. Squeezing thoughts and ideas through his savage prism generates a unique prospective that simply can’t be communicated by the Angry Czeck.
I like walking around in Apache Chief’s moccasins. He hangs out with Batman. He punishes his enemies with his hatchet and fire ants. He grouses grumpily about Thanksgiving, delights in Superman’s stupidity, and revels in Aquaman’s ineffectiveness. When his not chemically castrating the Riddler, he’s ridiculing the painful process of Robin’s adolescence. He might have eaten Gleek.
Last year, I finally got serious about Apache Chief. He already lived on a Facebook fan page called Inyuk-Chuk (the medicine man’s incantation that gives Apache Chief his super-growing power), but I wasn’t doing much with him. I just liked Apache Chief. I thought he should have a fan page. After all, it wasn’t as if Apache Chief’s original creator, Hanna-Barbera, was using the character. Out of boredom, I began building a sharper background for Inyuk-Chuk. I started with this profile:
“From his hidden underground casino, Apache Chief reveals the secrets of The Super Friends.”
Okay, not bad. There was material to be mined here. Once the Super Friends were just vanilla, super-powered characters in homoerotic costumes too often voiced by Casey Kasem. Now the acid tongue of Apache Chief could extract some real dirt! Get to the meat of the world’s mightiest heroes! Slip a scorpion into Green Arrow’s tights! Why not?
Green Lantern became a pious born again Christian who kept dragging Apache Chief to church. Flash was cheap (and slow to pick up the check). Hawkman smelled funny and Robin was an aggravating brat. Superman was a blockhead and fellow token member, Black Vulcan, could be counted on for the good weed. Wonder Woman was a merciless ball breaker, and Batman had trouble solving a Rubik’s cube. It would practically write itself.
As for Apache Chief himself, he was soon revealed to deeply distrust white people. His solutions to crime often leaned to the savage: scalpings, fire ants, space scorpions, mutilations, Phantom Zone banishments, chemical castrations and forced lobotomies. His enemies were the Legion of Doom and Kevin Costner, although he seems to devote most of his terrible vengeance on the Riddler. He was prone to “too much peace pipe.” It wasn’t long before I discovered something else about Apache Chief.
He was funnier than me.
I began to enjoy writing Inyuk-Chuk more than Angry Czeck. After all, the Angry Czeck had rules. My mother reads Angry Czeck. There are work-related issues that prevent Angry Czeck from crossing certain boundaries. It didn’t help that the Angry Czeck is governed by a loose set of standards and morals. Sometimes, AC is no fun.
Aside from his strange gods and his thirst for justice, Apache Chief has no restraints. He can comment on sensitive political topics one day, and complain about Robin’s masturbation the next. He is a mixture of the absurd and the salient. I love his bad English and his constant emasculation by Wonder Woman. I love that he once teabagged the entire country of France.
I’ve lived a year in the teepee of the Apache Chief. I’ve gained strength on the lifeforce of his tribal spirits and feasted upon the hearts and eyeballs of his hated enemies. To celebrate, I’ve assembled his best observations and placed them here on the not-as-mighty pages of the Angry Czeck.
83 Mighty Observations from the Mighty Apache Chief