The Angry Czeck

I like faith. I’ve rarely met a spiritual person who wasn’t a genuinely good guy. But I’m not always wild about church, where I spend more time fantasizing about fighting ninja commandos than contemplating the wisdom of the Gospel.

Rather than lay back and allowing the boredom to just happen, I’ve decided to flex my mental muscles and do something about it. Sure, I could waste valuable time and effort reforming my current church, or I could make up my own:

Church of Angry Czeck

I like this name because it’s a subtle nod to me. Also, I like the acronym: CAC! That way, when you’re choking, people also know which church to send your body to.

It’s not enough to come up with a killer church name. Building a successful church requires keen strategy, which I polished recently during an 8-hour drive between Atlanta and Little Rock.

1. Adopt a Basic Menu of Spiritual Beliefs. People claim to want diversity, but they really want familiarity. Therefore, centering my church around the divinity of shag carpeting would likely be a recipe for failure (visualize an empty pew). Considering the demographics of my immediate surroundings and factoring in Kirk Cameron’s Q-Rating, I’ve outlined the following beliefs:

1. God
2. Jesus
3. Everything in the Bible

Now that’s some solid churching. I could have safely added Ten Commandments or Joel Olsteen, too.

2. Add a Sacred Twist. In advertising, we’re always looking for the Unique Selling Point (USP). Unless your church has a USP, you’re facing an empty collection plate. Just look at successful churches (especially the ones who’ve already adopted Step One.) Some churches speak in tongues. Others handle snakes. Some drink the blood and body of Christ. See? A twist!

The USP for the Church of Angry Czeck is thus:

CATS ARE SATAN

It sounds crazy, but it also sounds plausible. In fact, some of you reading this are probably surprised to find yourself nodding. Why not take out a pen and checkbook and make a donation, too?

3. Claim To Have Heavenly Insight. Now that we have our USP (CATS ARE SATAN), it’s necessary to position this knowledge as valuable insight to salvation. After all, you can’t attract followers unless you present compelling grounds for skeptical recruits. If everyone has God, Jesus, and the Bible, then there’s no reason to join and give to The Church of Angry Czeck, right? Therefore, we will (in the least crazy way possible) inform the public that cats are Hell’s terrible jailers. (Imagine an eternity of being a human scratching post to trident-wielding felines!) Avoid this grizzly fate by joining CAC. (Wait! Does the acronym sound too much like CAT?)

4. Earmark (almost) All Funds to Works of Charity. Besides paying me (Founding Super Genius of CAC) a comfortable million dollar salary, there is no reason why the rest of our income can’t be directed to the public good. People like seeing their churches open soup kitchens, handing out coats, and building free houses. We’ll have to be very careful about cutting off all aid to cat owners, though.

5. Recruit Blue Chip Parishioners. Sure, filling pews with Burger King employees and hobos is righteous and all, but you wouldn’t exactly put that picture on your brochure, right? The quicker Hollywood celebrities and trendy politicians enter the fold, the better. We might consider creating a badass CAC rubber bracelet for our top-tier parishioners to wear. The next time Lindsay Lohan passes out at an O’Charley’s or Sean Penn says something pompous, TMZ.com will act as our free publicist!

6. Place Parishioners Into Positions of Power. Accepting truck-loads of tax-free cash is just a small perk of being a church. We all understand that the most valuable currency is crippling power! The more CAC parishioners who are board members, councilmen, powerful CEOs, Hollywood actors, and other people of influence, the more paradigms we can shift within the community. After all, we’ll never deport all cats to France if we spend our time singing hymns!

That looks pretty damn easy. Just six steps! Hell, it takes 12 steps to cure an alcoholic. We just manufactured a new system of beliefs! (CATS ARE SATAN). With any luck, we’ll soon have a representative bidding for the Oval Office. Then, at last, we can get rid of all these Satanic cats.

XOXO

Related posts:

1. Lady Dynamite, Saint Clinton, and the Church of Religious Nuts
2. The Separation of Church, Guns and a Rational State of Mind
3. Battle Action Church Goer with Kung Fu Grip
4. Join the New Conservatives, Pinkos!
5. The Angry Czeck Storms Washington