The Dark Knight Rises was a super-awesome movie. I emerged from the theater with a fourth testicle. In many ways, it was better than The Dark Knight. And yet, there were glaring flaws to Dark Knight Rises that seep to the surface. Not the obvious plot holes like, “How does a man living in an attic for 8 years remain in such good Batman shape?” or “Is a savage punch to the back a real treatment for a bulging vertebrae disk?” Those are problems I can overlook. What follows are six leaps of disbelief I cannot make. [SPOILERS AHOY!]

What happened to the floating GPS thug? After Commissioner Gordon is captured by Bane’s thugs, Gordon falls into the sewer sluice and drifts away to freedom. Bane responds by putting a GPS tracker on a thug, shoots him, and tosses the body into the water after Gordon. Great idea! Except Officer Blake (conveniently) finds Gordon floating in the river, BUT THE THUG’S BODY NEVER SHOWS UP. Nor does the search party. Bane had this great idea, and the movie never followed through with it.

What part of “Save as many people as you can” do you not understand? After Batman rescues Blake from execution and liberates the thousands of cops trapped under the city, he instructs Blake to scour Gotham for citizens and lead them across the bridge in case Batman fails to disarm the nuclear weapon. Good plan! Except Blake lazily returns to his own orphanage to lead a handful of kids (and a surly pastor) to the bridge. That’s it? Where is everybody? Gotham has 30 million people! This is Batman’s heir apparent?

Did Christopher Nolan cast the entire phone book? Dark Knight Rises is a movie that’s epic in everything – especially the cast. So many characters! Half of them were unnecessary. Did we really need the cowardly police chief? Selina Kyle’s girlfriend? Not one but two corporate bad guys? Did we have to award the Wayne board member who had one line in Batman Begins with a larger role in Dark Knight Rises? Could we have lived without Officer Blake? Did we need a cameo from R’as Al Ghul? Was Miranda Tate really necessary? I did, however, like seeing Scarecrow back in action.

How the hell did Batman get out of the Bat Plane? I know how movies work. In order to accept a fantastic plot, it is necessary to suspend your disbelief at times. It’s not that I can’t accept that Batman ejected himself from the Bat Plane before the nuclear device exploded. I just need some faint clue as to when and where it happened. The sequence never gives Batman an opening for survival. As far as we know, Scotty beamed Batman onto the starship Enterprise before the explosion. As Annie from Misery said, “He didn’t get out of the COCKADOODIE CAR!”

He’s the fucking Commissioner! Listen, if the Commissioner who cleaned up your city emerges from the sewer system full of bullet holes, and he tells you that a muscle man named Bane is assembling an army beneath the city, doesn’t a police department living in a post-Joker world take that assessment seriously? Instead, Gordon gets the “Ahhhh, you’re full of shit!” treatment! No wonder Gotham is riddled with crime.

What happened to Bros Before Hoes? I like cute chicks as much as the next guy, but let’s face it, Bruce, you and Rachel weren’t really ever going steady. In fact, all Rachel did was constantly bust your nuts and date district attorneys. Meanwhile, you have a real pal in Alfred who spends every waking moment cooking your meals, doing your laundry, engaging you with witty British banter, and shielding you from the lame truth of Rachel’s true intentions. And how do reward this loyalty? “Hit the bricks, old timer!” Oh yeah, and in the next scene go ahead and bang Miranda Tate.

 

Don’t get me wrong, The Dark Knight Rises received 1000 out of four stars from me, plus three thumbs up. Like Cats, I’m going to watch it again and again. I just hope that Nolan has a director’s cut that at least explains why Bane’s Dead GPS Thug didn’t work.

 

 

 

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