I’ve been told that this is the season to help those who are in dire need. Aside from those afflicted by poverty, disease and war, I can think of no one in more dire need than the Republican Party. Once the titans of politics, the GOP has become a confused embarrassment of mixed messages and stale ideology.

But fear not. The Angry Czeck has loaded his furious sleigh with unsolicited wisdom and advice to carry you to White House victory in 2016. Take it, Conservatives! I give you my services free of charge, no drug test or English exam required.

 

The Angry Czeck’s Five Steps for Conservative Re-Domination

 

1. Stop putting your chips on pampered rich guys. Listen, I like a good old American success story as much as the next guy. But Republicans have this nutty idea that the nation is inspired by inheritance and “finance management.” Just because your candidate is a good business man doesn’t make him an ideal leader of the free world. There’s more to the Presidency than leveraging assets for maximum dividends. Instead of reaching for the candidate who benefited from the most tax breaks, go with the guy who actually built something. Find yourself a self-made man. Stop measuring a candidate’s worth by his portfolio.

2. Stop being the party for big dumb guys. The Republicans have a reputation for keen strategy and common sense, yet stubbornly make enemies with science and reason. When you support Creationism, reject global warming, and describe rape as “God’s plan” you’re attempting to hold the entire nation back a grade. Why not step out of the Dark Ages, ignore your gut feelings, and embrace scientific data? Stop pandering to stupidity.

3. Stop pissing women off. It’s okay to oppose abortion. It’s okay to denounce sexual irresponsibility. It’s not okay to act as though both can be eliminated by putting government restrictions on women. Conservative men behave as though getting laid is a male privilege and that pregnancy is a female problem (or “gift from God” if you’re in the mood). Do you want fewer abortions? “Stop having sex” is not a solution. Hey, how about making contraceptives easier to obtain? This seems like a good compromise to me.

4. Stop politicizing your gloomy-ass morality. Your disgust with homosexuals is your problem. Four states ratified laws protecting gay marriage while your homophobic candidate went down in flames. Also, several states legalized marijuana. Your ancient perspective is being phased out, bros. People are tired of your sad bullshit. Start loving your neighbor instead of plotting his demise.

5. Stop hating on America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but you wouldn’t know it by listening to Republicans. According to the GOP, we’re a morally and financially bankrupt nation of freeloaders who’d get our asses handed to us by Iran. Listen, Conservatives: We don’t need to “make America great again.” We’re already great, you assholes.

BONUS WISDOM: Karl Rove, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Dick Morris, Fox and Friends, and Rush Limbaugh are absolutely destroying you. Cut ties with this dead weight and build some new conservative mouthpieces. They make you look old, clueless, and moronic.

Merry Christmas, Conservatives. I’ve laid before you a plan that will restore your dignity. Use it, but use it for good only.

 

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