The Academy Awards is about honoring movies that a bunch of pretentious gas bags find worthy of interest. I know this to be kind-of-true because of all the films nominated this year, I’ve seen one. One!

Which is too bad, because I know a lot about movies. Lots. I quote my favorite lines. I cast myself in my favorite scenes and reenact them in my brain. I like movies. I love hating movies, too. I’m more than willing to explain to you why Tombstone is a load of shit.

Normally, this would be a boring list of my favorite movies featuring a pompous explanation for why they’re so damn awesome. Screw that. This is 2013. We ain’t got no time for entire movies. The Angry Czeck’s Academy breaks shit down by scene. And these scenes are the boss, y’all.

The Angry Czeck’s Most Boss Movie Scenes of All Time

Alex Tries to Make His Stupid Horse Stop Running (The Black Stallion)
It’s the “Race of the Century” and all Alex cares about is if his damn horse is okay. Watching him plead with The Black to stop running probably chokes me up way more than it should, but you can just go to hell, you insensitive bastard.

Chaz Tells His Dad “I’ve had a rough year.” (The Royal Tenenbaums)
Not only am I a sucker for long, uninterrupted dolly-moves, I’m a real douche-bag for sappy moments between estranged fathers and sons. You might say, “That makes you weak, Angry Czeck. WEEEEEAK!” but you can just go to hell, you insensitive bastard.

Rocky Groans for His Girlfriend (Rocky)
I like training sequences as much as the next hairy-chested man, but the best moment in Rocky is Stallone ignoring a mob of fans and boxing officials to summon his main squeeze into the ring. Bonus points to Pauly for lifting the rope for her. That was just nice, you know? Go to hell!

Beeeee Goooood (E.T. The Extraterrestrial)
Go to hell, you insensitive bastards.

“O Captain, My Captain” (Dead Poets Society)
Listen, I’m not a pussy. I just like Robin Williams in roles where he isn’t wearing a dress. And I like seeing privileged white kids rebelliously standing on wooden desks. Okay, maybe I am a pussy, but you can go to hell, you insensitive bastard.

Bedford Falls Buries George in a Big Pile of Cash (It’s a Wonderful Life)
God, everybody shows up. The drunk pharmacist. Mr. Martini. The oppressed maid. That bastard who wanted to withdraw all his savings from the Bailey Building and Loan. All while George is practically sticking his tongue in Donna Reed’s ear. My throat is getting sore just thinking about it. (Go to hell.)

Subotai Cries for Conan (Conan the Barbarian)
“He is Conan, Cimmerian, he won’t cry, so I cry for him.” And then I cried, too! Huge barbarian tears! Go to hell!

Instead of watching some lame, boring award show, just commit this penetrating list of scenes to memory and enjoy the cinema magic. In fact, you don’t even have to watch movies any more.

 

 

*****

 

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