The United States is the greatest country in the world. It’s not even close. Other nations want to be us. We occupy the corner booth at the night club. We are the undisputed land of the free and the home of the brave.

And Fox News wants to save us from this.

Specifically, Sean Hannity wants to “save America,” presumably because Glen Beck failed to “restore America’s honor.” Thanks Sean. Appreciate your concern, Glen. America doesn’t need saving. We’re already awesome.

We are a country of unprecedented freedoms. We’re permitted to cross state borders without submitting papers to armed patrols. We’re allowed to fly airplanes, purchase firecrackers*, join hate groups, alter our appearances with plastic surgery, control our own reproductive systems, change our sexual genders, worship God and gods, assemble in large groups, protest the government we elect, create offensive art, start a business, drive a motorcycle across the country, shirk military service, quote Atlas Shrugged like it’s the Bible, watch The Bachelor, divorce as often as you like, download porn and bomb-making instructions from a free world wide web, bring a concealed weapon into church**, do the Harlem Shake, write poorly edited blogs, shout “ahoy” to girls in bikinis, and drink all the booze we want.

For lunch today, I was afforded a selection of three sandwich cheeses.

There’s nothing wrong with America! Go save Somalia, Sean. Restore the honor of Malawi, Glen!  They could use your penetrating insight into the erosion of the human condition. Because we’re doing just fine here, Jack.

Fox News, with all its influence and “journalistic” power, is playing upon fears and paranoia. Have you every read FoxNews.com and felt good about our country? Has Fox & Friends (the Morning Show for Curmudgeons) ever supported anything that didn’t defy the separation between church and state? Is Karl Rove still claiming a victory for Mitt Romney?

America is awesome, y’all. I know because I recently bought a new Dodge Challenger at a ridiculously low interest rate. I dropped my kids off at school 100% certain that they wouldn’t be kidnapped and conscripted into a child army. When I shop at the grocery tonight, I’ll have an insane selection of meats to choose from.

God, I know the United States isn’t perfect. We have nuts shooting up theaters and schools, and nuts defending their ability to do it. Our government is sloppy with spending. The healthcare is pricey. Sometimes, my high-speed Internet runs a little slow. I’ll take these inconveniences over experiencing the best day in Congo.

Quit stomping on America, Fox News. Rupert Murdoch is not the future of this country. Gays are going to marry. Assault weapons are going back on restriction. Women (and men, damnitt) will control their own reproduction. Young people will continue to surprise you by showing up at polls. We’re tired of your gloomy-ass shit, Fox News. We’re tired of you hating America.

Take a day off and enjoy freedom.

 

 

XOXOXOXO

 

*Some states are a little less lenient with fireworks than others.

**In Arkansas, you can pack heat in church, just like Jesus did.

 

 

 

 

 

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